Why?

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 1, 2004

I met Sean a year and a half ago in a crowd of 50,000 people. We struck up a conversation and really hit it off. He gave me his number, which I forgot. I thought about tracking him down, but figured if it was meant to be we would meet again. Three weeks later I got a phone call from him, and we have been together ever since, until about a month ago.

I left my friends and my life that I was used to. Everything was fantastic, we were in love, we thought we were going to get married. We just mentioned it a few times, but it wasn't really a topic of conversation. Anyway, something changed in Sean two months ago.

He didn't cheat that I know of, but in a week's time he broke up with me, demoted himself from a high ranked position at his job, and became depressed. He went to the doctor and is doing better now, but I am confused. How can everything be so great and all of a sudden he changes his mind about everything in his life?

He still likes to have sex and hang out with me sometimes, but doesn't have any interest in getting back together. I need to stop showing interest in him, I think, and get on with my life, but I am having a hard time doing this. Why is he acting this way, and is there any way we will be together again?

Jessica

Jessica, most people never find out the true why behind another's actions. Everyone wants the imaginary "closure," but the closure they want is to have what they want. That is why almost no one gets closure.

As a psychological concept, closure doesn't work. When a relationship ends, people don't want to learn why, they want to learn why not. They want to fix it. But if a man used a woman for sex, how will learning the truth give her closure? If a woman never loved the man, how can that truth give him closure?

You are not in a relationship with Sean, but he is having sex with you. He sounds like somebody with a plan for himself. Friendship sex is not in your best interest. You need to stop having sex with him and move on. Asking why only traps you.

Wayne & Tamara

Winnowing

I am a female, 19. I am more mature than my age, and sometimes I feel I am trapped with an old soul in a young body. I fell in love with a man, 38. We were in a long-distance relationship for six months, but two months ago we decided I would move to New York to be with him and build my life there.

We had a bad time. I couldn't find myself, and he was occupied with his business. I was very unhappy and we argued constantly. Now I am back in Israel, and he is there. He decided it would be easier for me to build my life here, and it would be good for us to take a break. He is afraid I might regret marrying him because I haven't experienced life yet.

Is this kind of relationship possible, or am I holding on to something which is doomed from the start?

Leah

Leah, why do you need to mention age difference or other factors? When you were with him in New York, you were unhappy and argued constantly. Why can't that be the truth of the matter? You gave it a try, it didn't work, he pulled away.

Every man is not your future husband. Most men you will date until you see the relationship isn't going anywhere. That's what dating is all about--not snaring a man, but separating the wheat from the chaff. He's chaff. You're looking for wheat. Keep sifting.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at http://www.WayneAndTamara.com" target=new>www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com">DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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